Yesterday was a rough day for me, personally. I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I’ve ever experienced, which led to medicating myself with anxiety pills and spending the majority of the day feeling like a zombie. I didn’t start to feel better until late at night when it was finally time to go to bed, which led to me staying up later than I like to do. The anxiety was brought on by a momentary memory loss issue that happens to me occasionally and then is exasperated by anxiety and eventually spirals down until I’m a frantic mess.
I hate to admit that I have these episodes. It makes me feel weak and unworthy of leading others through their dark moments. But I also realize that if you all know that I too am suffering and struggling with my own demons and still manage to get up every day and start over it might motivate you to keep marching on as well. So, I hope this little confession is motivational to someone out there and gives them hope.
My first question to my Higher Self/Guides/Angel/Source, whoever was listening, was “what was that all about yesterday?” My head still feels swimmy today and I have a slight headache, almost like a hangover, from the anxiety attack of the day before. The answer that rang in my ears was, “You are clinging to your fears and won’t let them go. You don’t trust us or yourself to take care of you. You must learn to trust that all will be well and that you are safe and you must release your addiction to fear.”
Whoever was speaking to me today was loud and clear and not mincing their words. It was almost like they were fed up with me, yet there was no blame or accusing in the tone. Just simply, this is what happened and why and this is what you need to do. Okay, but I think this is all easier said than done. Right? I mean, it’s a scary world and I have a huge fear of losing my mind and memory. How do I just let that go and learn to trust?
One of the things that they suggested to me was to think about how fear has served me in the past. Truthfully, fear has been a constant companion as far back as I can remember. But, especially as a young adult, when I was first setting out on my own, fear of failure became my biggest motivator to succeed in life. The worst thing I could think of happening to me was having to go home and tell my family that I failed at something or admit to my friends that I had failed. I had a zero failure policy for myself. So I lived with a constant cocktail of anxiety and fear flowing through my body on a daily basis but it served me well. I never had to admit failure. By all outward appearances, I am a successful person. A business man of 18 years, a successful marriage of over 20 years, multiple college degrees, a pillar of society and someone who volunteers to help others whenever possible. A philanthropist and humanist. I’m successful by most people’s standards. And I owe much of that success to fear. Specifically, my fear of failure.
The next step they suggested after I realized how fear had served me was to show gratitude to the fear and tell it how thankful I was that it had served me so well and for so long. And finally, tell the fear that I no longer needed it to help me anymore and release it with love and gratitude to the Universe to be cleansed and transformed into Light. I should do this for all of the ways that fear has served me in the past.
Another suggestion my Guides gave me was to do an Earthing meditation and release the fear into the earth for cleansing and renewal. And to also ask my angels to come and cleanse my energy field of all of the fear and anxiety.
These are all things I can do for myself, with the help of my Angels and Guides, and an Archangel or two. There are professional people I could call on to do a clearing for me as well. All of that is great and actually pretty simple to do. But the thing that I struggle with is learning to trust myself, my Guides, my Angels, Source, anyone that fear won’t come back and take up residency in my being again and again. Or that I won’t invite it back in because I have some form of addiction to it.
Learning to trust, for me, is really tough. Especially when you ask me to trust my Self. I try to stay optimistic and positive, but I, like a lot of people, find myself feeling pessimistic and hopeless sometimes and it’s really hard to break out of that feeling. And, not to get too woo woo with you all, but there’s a lot of really wonky energy coming into the planet right now that, personally, has me a little freaked out. Plus, the socio-political atmosphere in the United States is so negative that it is nearly impossible not to let some of that effect me.
I’ll tell you a little secret though. The thing that keeps me getting out of bed in the morning and taking one step after another through this journey is that I KNOW with every fiber of my being that, even though it seems like the world is being over taken by darkness and that “people suck”, that those of us who are “awake” have to keep going out and doing our work that we’re here to do. We HAVE to be the Lightbearers and Beacons of Hope for the rest of the world. Even when I am shaking with fear and scared out of my mind I have to keep showing up and spreading Love, Light and Truth every where I go and to as many people as I can touch. The world needs us. The Universe is counting on us. While I might be scared and addicted to fear, I must learn to trust myself enough to keep going and shine my light for others to follow towards the Truth and Light that has never left us. The Light is still here and it is shining brighter and stronger than ever. All we need to do is trust it and believe in it and not allow the darkness to take us over and drag us down into its pit of despair.
Join me on this path. Spread your Love and Light far and wide. It is the way through this dark time we’re living in and it is the way forward. If it looks dark and gloomy behind you, it’s because it is. The only way is forward and forward towards the Light. Follow the Light. Cleanse the darkness from your spirit and keep on inviting in the Light. Let your Light shine bright like a beacon for all to see. And have hope because the future we’re heading towards is so much better than anything any of us could have ever dreamed possible.
The answer for me is to acknowledge the fear and its role in my life and continue to cleanse and release it as it comes up for me until it stops coming to me. One day it will stop coming and I will have learned to trust. It’s a process and a journey with hills and valleys. I’m probably working my way up a hill right now, but soon I’ll hit the summit and enjoy the ease of walking down hill for a while. That’s all this is. A bump in the road. And it too shall pass. Have faith. Nothing lasts forever and nothing is permanent. I’m better today than I was yesterday and I’ll be even better tomorrow. And so will you.
Love and Light!